The story of a returnee
I have to tell you something. I've been wondering for a long time how I should come out with it without coming out as a full light. One reason why I stayed away from here for almost three years. It's not easy, but I'll just do it now!
Let's say a few years ago I opened this place for the first time. I was confused, unhappy, mentally muddy and extremely annoyed about being a woman. I lacked the answers to questions that anyone could answer. What am I, who am I (and if so, how many). Who do I fall in love with or can I fall in love with. And if I love how do I love? As a man as a woman as anything or both? Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Pan? (Cake?)
Yes that wasn't nice! But then I was here and felt right at home. There were people here who were just as searching for answers and asking the same questions. That was amazing! I wasn't alone anymore. This forum became my second living room. Everything was soaked up enthusiastically. And after the first surge of enthusiasm doubts and fears came about what that means for me and my future. In theory, I could roll it over forever. I wanted to do.
Thirst for action! Binder was ordered, tits squeezed away, hair rasped, stolen Bros. clothes , the gait modified, packer craft sessions held all night long and the three-day beard sketched with kohl. I was so happy and it felt really, really RIGHT. The adrenaline rush followed after the first visit to the men's toilet. The endorphin surge after first passing when walking on the street. The inner cheer when I was addressed as "Mr." for the first time (admittedly 12-13 year old gentleman). Looking back. Man I was high from being trans!
I was pretty sure of myself I have to say. There were still those fleeting moments of doubt. Because of the surgeries, because of the outing, my parents, friends, the fear of being nothing half and nothing for a lifetime and of being bitterly alone for the rest of my life. Whimpering! But I wasn't alone there either. How many of you didn't have at least one of this thoughts? I wanted to do it to move forward. To finally have it in black and white, I went to a psychologist. The indication came after three interviews and was F64.0. When I asked the trans expert luminary "Really now?!?" He replied, "You don't choose to be trans!" Sounded logical!
It was so easy and I now had it on paper that I am a real tranny! Just as easily as with the first report, the second was thrown after me. I went through mental agony over going out to my family and friends. Was received with tears of joy as a new son and buddy and literally jumped my endo in the face with my ass to finally get the first injection of testosterone. Then apply from changing name and status and startle the health insurance company.
I was really on my way to become a whole man. I felt great. Had energy for ten. I was a tranny but neither alone nor unloved. Everything perfect! About perfect!
..... And then?
Two years passed that I honestly hardly remember. I know that in the first few months my voice got deeper, my potency was never better and something was expanding down there. After that, my memory becomes hazy. I still try to reconstruct it.
It started out quite harmlessly. I messed around in correspondence with the court, MDK [Medizinischer Dienst der Krankenkassen - medical service of the health insurance companies] and the health insurance company. In spite of everything, I got confirmations about the surgeries, the change of first name went through and the appointment for the mastectomy was set. I was in the starting blocks and suddenly I was paralyzed. Nothing went. I forgot to get the next syringe in time. I was weird without knowing why. Was amazed because I should have been happy. In this process, I sank deeper and deeper into depression that eventually reached so far that I was neither suitable for my studies nor for work. I closed all the bulkheads. Lost my job, my relationship, a lot of friends and bobbed around in the delirium for about a year and a half.
A bad time for those around me, and for me too. Somehow. But somehow I wasn't really there. Total blackout. The key scene where I was "I" again stuck with me. I had a nightmare. I was a trans man who actually wanted to be a woman. Bathed in sweat, startled with the thought "Fortunately just a dream!" Until I was clear enough to understand that it was my reality and summed it up with “What am I doing to myself?”.
I can't interpret it otherwise than a protective reaction. In the months that followed, the topic of trans was completely ignored. Ignored away. World wondered, I didn't care because I didn't care about anything. I looked for a job, first moved to the other end of Germany in order to avoid all unpleasent things and started to “reset” the last few years. If anyone asked what was going on and what I was now, there was the unanimous answer "Whatever!"
For a long time I was very angry with myself and whatever had ridden me. I felt stupid and presented. What hadn't I lost because of that? And even worse: What did I do to those around me? For nothing at all? The worst of all: I had no answers how and where to go for me. I can't say that overnight I wanted to or was consciously a woman again. It took very long. On the way there were countless conversations, forwards & backwards, if & buts. At some point when I looked in the mirror I got the thought “What a beautiful woman!” And after a long, long time I was finally able to see myself laughing again. Since that moment things have risen.
I've learned a lot about myself over the past two years. I do not want to reveal my "causes" for this wrong path now, otherwise this will be a book and I still don't have all the answers ready to this day. As much as I regret having attacked my environment with such massive decisions and actions. From the current point of view, I would probably not be the person I'm today without that. And I like to be who I am. It has contributed to the fact that many suggesting, acquired and misinterpreted rules of conduct, understanding of roles and prejudices have fallen away from me. I have redefined and redesigned my “being a woman”. It suits me now. With the distance I can take it with humor. I still wonder some days. But it's okay.
Why do I text you with my experiences?
Once to finish with it. I think anyone who can talk about something like that has processed it. On the other hand ... maybe I would have left this number earlier if there had been more people who, despite the indication and the feeling of doing everything right, did the wrong thing. Back then I only knew two from reading. And with two out of thousands, you like to tell yourself that among these thousands you are definitely not one of those strange people who have "made a mistake". I got to know more returnees afterwards. None of them were weird or crazy. Everyone had their reasons why they fell into the wrong belief.
In addition, I have to state once again that for every court opinion I have "gone to school" at the absolute luminaries in trans diagnostics. I have not explicitly picked out those who are known to throw around positive court opinions. I have it five times in black and white that I'm transsexual and I'm not! What shows me personally: The whole terror of the psychological medical examination as a protective mechanism has its right to exist, but someone can even slip also through this grid. Like me.
My concern to you ...
I still know the feeling of wanting everything behind me at once and immediately, preferably yesterday. I have fulfilled every cliché of a trans man's career in an exemplary manner and actually felt better with every step. Until the very end. I was very lucky that I had only been on testosterone for four months and that first name changing is easier to reverse than a mastectomy or a phalloplasty. Nevertheless, I don't wish to have to make the way back to anyone. Neither you as a victim nor your environment. Therefore, give yourself enough time. Do not look for reviewers who are easy to use. Stick to your truth and don't tell anything that is wrong and the reviewer wants to hear!
About 99% will go their way anyway, even if it takes longer. But it can save you a lot!
Much love to you!